The Middle East - God's Jock Itch

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

How to Write the Perfect Letter

by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Award-Winning, World Renowned Writer; Teacher; Lover; Humanitarian; and Overall Nice Guy)

You wish you could say what you feel, but every time you try, you come up short. Welcome to the complicated world of writing letters! Take comfort in knowing that poets and statesmen have struggled with the same question--"How do I write the perfect letter?" Here are some simple guidelines that can help.

1. Presentation. Use beautiful stationery (a neutral, soft color, such as cream or white) and a flair pen (more fliar the better)with black or brown ink--no blues, greens or reds (communists)! Remember, your Letter is being written to someone special. Hand-written letters are best. This is personal--you are not writing a business letter!

2. Ambience. Go to a secluded place and put on soft, romantic music (I reccomend the new Bin Laden tape). A quiet room would be nice. Dim the lights. Stimulate a romantic mood.

3. Keepsake. Date your Letter (month, day, year). This is a letter that will be treasured and remembered. You can bet that it will be read over and over and safeguarded in a special place. (If you're lucky they'll post it on CNN!)

4. Greeting. Choose an endearing salutation. Don't be formal. Use the first name. For example: "My dearest Satan . . ." or "My darling infadel . . ."

5. Beginning. Start your Letter by telling your reasons for writing. For instance: "I have lain awake many sleepless nights trying to compose words that might adequately describe the feelings of my heart. But every time I have made the attempt, I have failed miserably. Please forgive my poor effort and accept a trite and simple phrase: I hate you. I think I can say it no better than that . . . ." Never belittle yourself by saying something like: "I know you probably don't feel this way," or "You must think I'm crazy." If you are timid in your Letter, your attempt at conveying heartfelt words will fall flat and might be misunderstood.

6. Body. The body of the Letter should include reasons for feeling the way you do. Here are some ideas:

recall when you were first sanctioned
explain how your life has changed for the worse
explain that you can imagine life without him/her
list some of the many things you have in common
tell how wonderful and complete he/she makes you feel
recall some special moments you've shared together
mention times you've picked him/her out of a crowd (like at the UN?)
list qualities that set him/her apart from everyone else

Avoid being casual, too light-hearted, or openly erotic. First and foremost this is a letter of respect that coveys deep, difficult-to-express feelings. Don't discount the impact of poetry in place of, or in addition to, your words. It will be seen as a compliment if you take the time to quote someone he/she admires. (for example Adolf Hitler?) Be sure to give proper credit where it's due. Don't forget the Internet is a great place to find that poem or song you are trying to quote!

Be real. Your Letter should be a carefully crafted work of art, but it also needs to sound sincere. You want your Letter to make your reader tremble, not fall into laughter. Be confident as you express your emotions, dreams, and vulnerability.

NOTE: don't expect your first attempt will be the letter you send. Practice on scrap paper before you start writing on your good stationery. REVISE, then leave it for a few hours, then return and revise it again. Read it again in the morning before you send it. You'll improve it, as well as have fewer regrets--guaranteed!

7. Closing. End your Letter with carefully worded prose: "There, I have said it. I can rest now. And as I dream, I will dream of you." Make your closing upbeat and positive.

8. Valediction. Don't just end with: "Love, Mahmoud." Even if you said, "All my love," it would be better. You become even more romantic by writing something like: "Dream of me, my love . . . ." What you want is a simple, yet heartfelt goodbye: "With undying love," or "Forever yours." Remember, you may think this is too sappy, but be prepared to have it quoted to you in years to come.

9. Insert. Include a special extra: petals from a flower, sprinkles of stars, a teabag of your favorite tea, the finger of a hostage . . . . You get the idea. That little extra effort means you really put some thought (and heart) into this.

10. Neatness counts. Gently fold the Letter and place it in a neatly addressed envelope--hopefully, one that matches your stationery. The correct way is to fold a small stationery sheet (or 18 sheets) in half with the text on the inside. Place the letter in the envelope with the crease at the bottom and the salutation facing the back. Hand address the envelope. Remember what your elementary teacher taught you about penmanship--make sure the reader is able to read your writing! Add a stamp that looks nice--the Garden Bouquet stamps are nice--and affix it upside down. It is a custom that means, "I love you." Drop the letter in the mail. That's it! Expect an emotional response. And here's another tip: buy some breath mints--you'll need them!

11. Be expressive. Here are some popular words to use in your Letter: angel, angelic, lover, giving, alluring, tempting, human rights, sensual, sensuality, seeing, tasting, touching, sanctions, holding, caressing, memories, ghormeh sabzi, memorable, darling, gorgeous, absence, velvet, voyage, nuclear weapons, beautiful, vision, elation, blossoms, global domination, happy, kisses, innocent, passion, "the comin' of the mahdi", dreaming, delirious, temptation, complete, desire, cajones, content, embrace, rainbow, rose, teabag, adoring, stars, privileged, heart, and kabob.


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4:28 AM


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